by Angela Lovell.
Ever been to Mars? You should come, it’s a great place to relax, lose weight and live longer.
Oh, I see you are trying. You’ll figure out how to get here eventually, and you have already made some small and inconsequential strides. I think that little rover machine thingy you sent here is kinda cute – primitive, but it seems happy wandering about collecting bits of rock and dust. And such a nice name: Perseverance – I wonder what it means?
Sorry, I should have introduced myself, I’m Marty, from Mars.
I think I can speak for all of my fellow Martians when I say how flattered we were to discover you had named a candy bar after out planet, although we weren’t too partial to the taste. We don’t actually care too much for your human food, but are pretty partial to a donut-fed human. Oh, darn, I was told not to mention that – don’t worry about it, it’s only for special occasions.
We read somewhere on your archaic communications devices that your top minds are working on sending humans here to colonize us. A few things: one, we are already colonized thanks very much, two, colonization hasn’t exactly been a pleasant experience for some in your history and three, if those are really your top minds, I think you should consider permanently converting to artificial intelligence.
Anyway, I am supposed to be talking up our red planet in case any of you decide it might make a nice vacation home. Note: We only offer a 12-month visitor’s visa after which you must return home or well, be eaten, whichever option is most economically feasible for you.
The climate is not really that much different than an average Manitoba winter – average cold season temperatures hover around minus 60 degrees C (as long as you avoid the poles), but if it’s a Martian suntan you are after, you’ll have to hang out at the equator. It’s a balmy 20 degrees C there some days, and the best news is that because you are a lot further away from our solar system’s sun, you can cut the SPF on the suntan lotion by at least 10 or so.
Real estate is cheap and plentiful here and you won’t need planning permission to build your dream home, although, having seen your architectural tastes and building styles, we have implemented a hideous tax. Oh, and bring a big sledgehammer to pound in the footings – our volcanic rock can be quite unyielding.
You can also opt for a mountain view and if the dusty, red terrain becomes a bit monotonous after a while (because we know you humans have a lower attention span than a goldfish), you will have a great vantage point to watch the raging dust storms that blanket the entire planet from time to time. (Just remember it’s not a good time to put the cat out.)
But what we see as two of our major USP’s (unique selling points) is the fact that you’ll stay young longer because our year is 687 days long, and you’ll lose weight much faster than with those gummies you all seem so fond of thanks to our gravitational force being more than a third less than the Earth’s.
Now, as there is likely going to be a flood of people to our planet (in the unlikely scenario that you ever figure out a way to get them here), there awaits the business opportunity of a lifetime. I can personally arrange for you to purchase one of the first inter-planetary fast-food franchises in the galaxy with menu options like the Big MacMartian with Sputnik Fries and Milky Way Shakes.
What are you waiting for? Oh, right those ‘top minds’. OK, see you in about a millennium then.
Photo by Brooke Denevan on Unsplash
by angela lovell 